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24 Jun 2019


Have you ever loved something so much that you manifested a reality? My love affair with the God of Light started around the age of four. I self taught myself how to read and the only material laying around the house was a Holy Bible with pictures and a medical encyclopedia. After I read about brain damage and self diagnosed myself into hysterics my grandmother decided to hide that book but since she believed in Christianity she thought my obsession with the Bible would be a good thing.

I was quite enamored with the book of Genesis, Daniel, John and Revelations. Later I found the lost books of Moses and Enoch and often wondered why these texts were considered the occult. I always felt like the Book of Revelations should have come at the end of the Old Testament but they always like to put the scary shit at the end.

I felt a connection with the Sacred Mother and didn’t understand why anyone would ever want to demonize the wife of God. She was the womb of all creation and realized early on that everything has a mother and a father and they just couldn’t convince me that the Divine Feminine was just a Holy Spirit that is in everything. I also felt a connection to the baby born in the end times and wanted to save all beings from being cast out of heaven.

I prayed and prayed that all souls would ascend and that is why I consider myself a Universalist . Later my beliefs changed to include that the idea that a God that created beings would love them unconditionally and would never have to threaten anyone with fear, especially since we are given the free will to choose our own path and destination. How could a loving father and mother ever reject someone that they created and who loves them so much? It just didn’t make any sense to me.

I started reading about other mythology, old stories of previous civilizations ideas of what God was. I found the divine feminine and masculine within myself, in other people, in the previous pantheons, in nature, in the stars and planets. I worshipped the divinity within myself and others.  I loved the whole world and everything in it. I made it my mission to help educate people on the power of unconditional love, the currents of life, liberty and light being a right to all no matter who they are, where they come from, or what their beliefs are based on as long as they remembered the golden rule and treated each other the way they wanted to be treated. Do what thou wilt and say prayers at night.

I kept looking for the loophole on atonement and salvation. The whole idea of sin was silly to me. How can we do anything that we couldn’t be forgiven for. What did we need to be forgiven for in the first place? I wasn’t there. That wasn’t my story and I didn’t commit it. Why is the expression of love with whoever we want to be with considered a sin? Why are there all these rules to enslave us in a false doctrine of beliefs? This is not what my God and Goddess believe. This is not what I believe.

I remember getting in trouble for taking up for the Beast in the book of Revelations and identified with his bride. I felt like I was her and started calling myself her. Everyone in my family and community thought I was evil and dark for this. I was made fun of and isolated and picked on for this but my love and faith remained. When I was 17 years old I was introduced to the Book of the Law and my life was forever changed. I converted from pagan to Thelemite and started down that path. I worshipped Babalon and myself as the archetype. I couldn’t see myself as anything else and every man I loved somehow fit the story of the Beast or Chaos incarnate.

My life was an adventure. I tried to hide this part of myself and no one really believed that I was her but I did and it was enough for me to know and believe. When my child was sick I prayed again for help for me to help save his life and complete a mission that I felt I was born into. I wrote the ritual, I prayed my holiest of intentions and I was given some instructions on how to do it. I took a sabbatical while I formulated it. Then I decided in June of 2016 that it was time for my divine liberation or Great Work. It was time for me to set out on the soul journey of my true will. After a year of following the precession of the equinox from an astrological and solar perception, moon phase and elemental rituals of the seasons, and activating my light body I finished my lunar/solar work at a Thelemic gathering called Babalon Rising. Then I started doing a year of daily work with the Moon and Venus or my shadow work.

I felt like I upset my tribe. Several misunderstandings happened at that event and I was depressed and hurt. I still gave my magick to the cause. I ended up traveling and participating in the 50th anniversary of Love Long Beach with 35,000 people praying for pure love and bliss and healing of the planet and communities. I went to Oregon to participate in global prayers for the Total Solar Eclipse on August 21, 2017 with 70,000 people. That’s when my star family came for me but I didn’t have my family with me and I wasn’t ready to leave. I had my kundalini awakening while I was at the event and felt at one with the universe. But I didn’t know I was sick. I had contracted a brain infection.

The wise man is not surprised by death he is always ready to leave.”

We were living in Phoenix, Az and we were invited to Colorado. During this time there was another star alignment for Virgo and Regulus in Leo. The heart of the lion on September 23, 2017. I helped organize a few peace events for International Peace Day before I left and headed to my friends to help her with a harvest. I felt it was fitting. There was an amazing meteor shower that also took place while I was there. The highway that took us there was the Devil’s Highway route 666 through Donner’s Pass. Winter came 6 weeks early and we were staying outside in tents and I about froze to death. This didn’t help with my sickness. I couldn’t stay at my friends. I needed better shelter so we ended up traveling to my brothers for a few weeks.

La Fontaine

This melancholic state is so powerful

that, according to scientists and doctors,

it can attract demons to the body,

even to such an extent

that one can get into mental confusion or get visions.”

– Agrippa

It was October and my 39th birthday came along with my Saturn return and a Pluto and Jupiter transit that seemed to blast me into the next dimension psychically. I was still trying to find out what was wrong with my body. My blood pressure was through the roof and I had several abscesses in my teeth and still hadn’t figured out that I had the bacterial meningitis. I kept having visions and physically feeling of being on fire and burning at the stake. I kept smelling death and roses all around me and hearing a high pitched noise that kept me from sleeping at night. I kept complaining about what felt like a laser beam being beamed at my heart and I had all of these hot spots in my body. I felt like I was cooking alive. Luckily, I remembered my teachings and was able to get the hot spots massaged and worked out of my body with energy healing from me and my husband.

While I have been trying to process what exactly I went through, I remembered overhearing someone call me the black bishop in the Gnostic Thelemic organization I am involved with and instead of asking them what they meant by it, I just assumed that they were calling me a black sister/brother and I knew I was not. I stopped working with them because of this. But this experience and what they called me made me think about what happened to me. When I returned home I had a friend do some energy work on me because I was to exhausted and worn out to do it. He said there was black around my third eye like soot, like I had burned it out. That’s exactly how I felt. But I believe it can be cleared away and I am trying to. It reminded me of an alchemical process of putrefaction. The purification of the light body and blood from red to white to gold.

Nigredo of the Black Earth or Madonna

Nigredo, or blackness, in the alchemical sense, means putrefaction, decomposition. By the penetration of the external fire, the inner fire is activated and the matter starts to putrefy. The body is reduced to its primal matter from which it originally arose. This process is also called ‘cooking’. The black earth is closed up in a vessel or flask, and heated.

The Body is to be decomposed, that is one shifts one’s awareness to the inner self. The planets are both stages of the process and energies in the body to be transmuted. The Saturn star is black as Saturn reigns over Nigredo. Sun and Moon are the opposites to be united, and fire and air are the elements stimulating the decomposition. The black crow is another symbol for Nigredo. The two birds coming out of the body are the soul and the spirit. One needs to become aware of one’s soul and spirit. The circle emphasizes the idea of union or unification.

“Putrefaction is so effective that it destroys the old nature and form of the rotting bodies; it transmutes them into a new state of being to give them a totally new fruit. Everything that has live, dies; everything that is dead putrefies and finds a new life.” – Pernety, 1758

On the mythological level, nigredo signifies the difficulties man has to overcome on his journey through the underworld. Nigredo is sometimes called ‘blacker than the blackest black’. Hercules had to accomplish twelve, almost impossible, tasks. The pilgrim traditionally encounters shadows, monsters, demons. In the ancient mysteries the candidates had to undergo difficult, sometimes painful and even dangerous initiation tests.

In alchemy, one of the symbols of nigredo is the ‘decapitation’, and also the ‘raven’s head’ (caput corvi). Those symbols refer to the dying of the common man, the dying of his inner chaos and doubt because he is unable to find the truth in himself. In one of his works, Hercules cleanses the Augias stables. It is the cleansing of all the impurities in oneself.  – Johann Daniel Mylius, Philosophia reformata, Frankfurt, 1622

I kept writing and creating videos about being a dark heart bear, ravens, the pit and darkness and I knew something was going on with the planet Saturn, Jupiter and Pluto.  But no one could tell me what was wrong with me. I think now that my heart, body and mind was being purified but I felt hunted and like someone was looking for me and got extremely paranoid. I felt under attack or like I was being tested. I was put through ordeals in my mind, like I couldn’t turn away from my husband all night or I would be smited into salt, like Lot’s wife.  I felt like I was being tested by Maat and that my body was being hijacked, asked questions and pulled through dimensions astrally and I was a puppet arguing with whatever spirits were in my head going through all of my memories and trying to force me to say the wrong answers.

The alchemical process

is a method for self knowledge

that the soul undergoes

far outside its realm of existence.

Marry Anne Atwood

The jewel has been lost in matter

and everybody is looking for it.

Some look for it in the east

and some in the west,

some in water

and some among stones.

But the servant Kabir

has found its value

and has it wrapped with care

in the seam of the mantle of his heart.

R. Tagore, Kabir 72

So on Halloween we go to this community festival and try to enjoy the day with our son. But that night when I returned I was hijacked again and forced to go to hospital. The reason I had to be hijacked was because I was scared to leave the house because I felt like there was nephilim vampires all around me. All I knew was that I needed help for whatever was going on in my mind and body. I went to the hospital in Sparks, NV and was convinced that the staff was also vampires and they were going to hurt me instead of help me. I felt like the heart of gold or the one with the pure heart, the healer was being looked for. I was speaking in tongues, a mix between the Book of the Law, Revelations and the Book of Enoch. I felt filled with the Holy Fire.

But I got over my fears and let the staff do what they needed to and they diagnosed me with the bacterial meningitis through spinal taps that were very painful. They gave me rounds of antibiotics and released me which I thought was very weird. Then I came home and started working on a logo for a friend that involved a multicolored angel wings with a single peacock feather floating.

The symbol of the peacock’s tail was chosen because of the many colorful and brilliant ‘eyes’. It is said that originally they were the eyes of the Greek Argus, whose name means ‘he who sees everything’. Argus was a very strong giant with a hundred eyes, of which at all times fifty were open and fifty were sleeping. He was decapitated by Hermes. Hera, the mother goddess, placed the eyes on the tail of her favorite bird, the peacock.

The phase of the many colors was also symbolized by the rainbow, or the goddess of the rainbow: Iris, the messenger of the gods, especially between Zeus and the mortals. The peacock’s tail can have two meanings in the Great Work. It can be the collection and totality of all colors in the white light. Remember, the white light refers to the second stage, albedo, or whiteness. In this sense the peacock was seen as a royal bird in ancient times, and it corresponded with the phoenix.

The second meaning is that it represents the failure of the alchemical process. When the conscious enters the unconscious “each part of a thought can take shape and become visible in color and form”, according to a Chinese text about yoga exercises. One starts seeing all kinds of forms which look real and which look like they have an independent life. But one cannot go into it as it leads to discord of the mind, and possibly to schizophrenia. The alchemist is seeking unity, expressed in the white light.

It is know that during meditation exalted feelings and unusual observations can happen. In essence there are two kinds of observations.

The first one is wanting to escape the discipline of meditation, which Zen practitioners call makyo. Makyo are illusions we project onto reality in order to escape the guidelines of meditation. For example, the object of meditation is starting to radiate with a wonderful light or color, or it expands and contracts rhythmically. One starts to feel lighter or heavier, or one feels pleasant energies going through the body. All kinds of sensations can happen. Many meditators are readily distracted by these phenomena, and even take great interest in them, thereby neglecting the real purpose of their meditation. One needs to be aware of this.

A second cause of distraction is a change in consciousness whereby we look at the world in a different way than we did in the past. It can be quite a shock reverberating on the psychic or bodily level. The accompanying feelings can be quite wonderful. But the advice is: enjoy it, do not take it seriously, and continue with the meditation.

Visions are also distracting. Many wise men and mystics have pointed to this kind of danger. “We should not long for or expect visions. With all our power we should refrain from them and look at them with suspicion.” (Ignatius of Loyola). They always stress that visions of lights, of angels, yes even of the great masters, should be neglected, because they block inner progress.

What is interesting is that my brother had a Great Pyrenees dog named Argos who was constantly running away from the house and I would leave in my delirium to try to find his dog. I was going through some issues with a false flame that had tried to start a fire with and he decided it was his will to snuff out my flame because we didn’t end on good terms. I was trying to deal with my failure and broken trust again and I was trying to deal with the separation and the pain that I had caused my family. The only reason that I believed that he was part of my mission is because of the way that I saw him when we worked together astrally. He had so many wings and eyes all over his being. I felt like I was tricked for someone who is so aware of what’s going on.

The herald of the light

is the morning star.

This way man and woman approach

the dawn of knowledge,

because in it is the germ of life,

being a blessing of the eternal.

Haji Ibrahim of Kerbala

Lucifer, Lucifer stretch your tail,

and lead me away, full speed through the narrow passage,

the valley of the death,

to the brilliant light, the palace of the gods.

Isanatha Muni

Being deep in nigredo, a white light appears. We have arrived at the second stage of the Great Work: albedo, or whiteness. The alchemist has discovered within himself the source from which his life comes forth. The fountain of life from which the water of life flows forth giving eternal youth. The source is one: male and female are united. In alchemical images we see a fountain from which two streams of water flow into one basin.

Albedo is the discovery of the hermaphroditic nature of man. In the spiritual sense each man is a hermaphrodite. We can also see this in the first embryonic phase of the fetus. There is no sex until a certain number of weeks after conception. When man descended into the physical world his body entered a world of duality. On the bodily level this is expressed by the sexes. But his spirit is still androgen, it contains duality in unity. Its unity is not bound to space, time or matter. Duality is an expression of unity in our physical world. It is temporal and will eventually cease to exist. When male and female are united again, one will experience his true self. Conscious and unconscious are totally united.

Albedo happens when the Sun rises at midnight. It is a symbolic expression for the rising of the light at the depth of darkness. It is the birth of Christ in the middle of the winter. In the depth of a psychological crises, a positive change happens.

I kept seeing visions of Sol Invictus around Christmas/Yule and there was some weird things happening in the stars that I was watching. I was trying to wrap my head around it and enjoy the process and connect with my inner monster or child. I felt like I was trying to protect my brother Lucifer the light bearer from Saturn. I felt like I was trying to find my purest self and casting away all the things in my life that didn’t serve me. I was following the Mayan Galactic Calendar which incorporates the cycle of Venus with the Lunar cycle. I was also seeing visions of the pole shift to Vega in the Lyra constellation and Nibiru and felt like I needed to hide the Earth in my womb.

Albedo is also represented by Aurora, the Roman goddess of the dawn. Her brother is Helios, the Sun. With a play of words aurora was connected with aurea hora, ‘the hour of gold’. It is a supreme state of conscious.

Pernety (1758): “When the Artist (=Alchemist) sees the perfect whiteness, the Philosophers say that one has to destroy the books, because they have become superfluous.”


A sigil of Aurora that I created

Albedo is also symbolized by the morning star Venus/Aphrodite. Venus has a special place in the Great Work. In ancient times Lucifer was identified with the planet Venus. Originally Lucifer has a very positive meaning. In the Bible we find 2Petrus 1:19 “…till the day arrives and the morning star rises in your hearts”. In Revelation 12:16 Christ says: “I am the shining morning star”.

Here Christ identifies himself with the Lucifer! We find the same in mystic literature. In ancient times Lucifer was a positive light being. It was just one man who changed all that: when a certain Hieronymous read a phrase from Jesaja 14:12 (Jesaja talking to a sinful king of Babylon): ” How did you fall from heaven, you morning star, you son of the dawn; how did you fall to earth, conqueror of people”. Hieronymous used this phrase to identify Lucifer with the dragon thrown out of heaven by Michael. By the interpretation of this one man, Lucifer was tuned from a shining light being into the darkest devilish being in the world.

We find Lucifer in alchemy associated with impure metals polluted by rough sulfur. It means that the light being Lucifer in ourselves is polluted by what the alchemists call ‘superfluities’, ‘dross’, caused by man himself.

Mercury and Lucifer are one and the same. One talks about Mercury when he is pure, it is the white sulphur, the fire in heaven. As ‘spiritus’ he gives life. As ‘spiritus sapiens’ he teaches the alchemist the Great Work. Lucifer is the impure Mercury. Lucifer is the morning star fallen from (the golden) heaven. He descended into the earth and is now present in all humans. Lucifer is Mercury mixed with impure elements. He dissolved ‘in sulfur and salt’, ‘is wrapped with strings’, ‘darkened with black mud’. Keep in mind we are always talking about our consciousness. Lucifer represents our everyday consciousness, all the (psychological and other) complexes have clouded our pure consciousness, Mercury.


The light of Mercury that appears to us as Lucifer, because of the distortion caused by the impurities, gives the impression of what the alchemists called ‘red sulfur’. The red sulfur of Lucifer, as traditional devil, is actually an illusion. It does not exist by itself because it is only an image, a distorted image of Mercury. We ourselves caused the impurities, the blackness that veils our true light being.

Red sulfur is the same as what is called Maya in eastern philosophies. Maya is the world of illusions, or the veil that prevents us from seeing and experiencing true reality, where the eternal light is. By the impurities of Maya, man has become ignorant. He has forgotten his origin and thinks he is in a world which in actuality is an illusion.

Lucifer, Mercury, Venus, Jesus?

This reminded me of a story I wrote back in 2009 about Jesus and Lucifer being one and the same. I felt like I was being forced to face everyone of my fears with the doctors and dentists that I had avoided, this forced me to face all of my lower selves that are a product of the program and how I grew up and the ideas that society placed on me. True liberation is the right to be oneself. But you don’t have to hurt the ones that you love in order to find yourself. You don’t have to be selfish or hurtful, but that was never my intention anyways.

The union of Hermes and Aphrodite. The moon is above the retort, indicating this is the stage of Albedo. The sun above is the next stage of Rubedo. At the same time sun and moon are again the opposites to be united. Aphrodite has two torches. One pointing down, representing the lower passions to be transmuted. The upside down torch is the purified energies. Aphrodite is standing on a tetrahedron, the perfect three dimensional body, as all corners are equally distant from each other, resulting in a lack of tension.

As we mentioned above, Aphrodite/Venus as the morning star is a central image for the albedo phase of the Great Work. Aphrodite was born from the foam that arose when the genitals of Uranus (cut off by Chronos, out of hate and jealousy) fell into the sea. The cutting of the genitals represents repressed and tormented love. The sea, symbol of the soul, however will bring forth the love goddess. Liberation will happen when we become conscious again of the contents of the soul.

As Aphrodite is born from the sea, she is the guide through the fearful world of the unconscious (the sea, or the underworld). The alchemist descends into these depths to find the ‘prima materia’, also called the ‘green lion’. The color green refers to the primal life forces. Venus also has the green color. An important characteristic of Aphrodite is that she helps us in our human shortcomings. She gives ideals and dreams to fulfill. But she also gives frightening images in order to make man aware of his lower nature. “By her beauty Venus attracts the imperfect metals and gives rise to desire, and pushes them to perfection and ripeness.” (Basilius Valentinus, 1679) Liberation can only happen by becoming conscious of the lower nature and how we transmute it.

In Jungian psychology Venus/Aphrodite is the archetype of the anima (in alchemy also the ‘soror’ or ‘wife’ of the alchemist). The anima is the collective image of the woman in a man. It is an image especially tainted by his first contact with his mother. The anima represents all the female tendencies in the psyche of a man, such as feelings, emotions, moods, intuition, receptivity for the irrational, personal love and a feeling for nature. She is the bearer for the spiritual. Depending on the development of the man she can also be the seductress who lures him away to love, hopelessness, demise, and even destruction.

Other alchemical images for albedo are baptism and the white dove, both derived from Christianity. Baptism symbolizes the purification of both body and soul by ‘living water’. ‘Living water’ was regarded as the creative force of the divine. It allowed the soul to be received into the community of the holy spirit. Thus baptism allows the purified soul to bring forth the resurrection of Christ in oneself. This is the ‘hieros gamos’, the ‘sacred marriage’ between the soul and Christ. Christ here represent our own inner divine essence.

There are many other symbols in alchemy for the second phase, or albedo: the white swan, the rose, the white queen, and so on. As lead is the metal of nigredo, silver is the metal of albedo, transmuted from lead. As silver is the metal of the moon, the moon was also a symbol for albedo. Alchemists also talk about the white stone or white tincture. They all means basically the same thing, although one has to understand them in the context in which they were written.

I was initiated by the natives as Luna and felt that now I had embodied the archetype of the moon. I called my year of shadow work the year of lunacy and that’s exactly what it looked like I was going through to everyone around me. That I was being shown all the ways that I was hypocritical in my life. I was shown my websites and asked to read it and what the sacred marriage was really about. But I am a representative of pure love and bliss and I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong by becoming the spiritual wife of God through my dedication and devotion. I don’t feel like I cheated on my husband because I was already married to God in my mind and heart.

The Azazel Experience

I had convinced myself that I was the scapegoat or the banished goat. That I was the sin offering and Shekinah goat banned to the desert and this is when my Chronozon apocalypse desert trip really took off. I was in the mountains and on a prehistoric lake bed with salt, the ground and water smelled of sulphur, and it felt like everything was so much more intense. This went on from Halloween until Valentine’s Day.

This wasn’t just one bad dream, it was months of being in the underworld or other dimensions.  After 8 days of being stuck in the nigredo with demons, spirits, the voices of the 14 Gods in my head, and many magical brothers and sisters in my head testing me. I felt hive mind hijacked and no one bothered to tell me what was going on.

I was purifying through the white phase and being shown everything that I had ever done, integrating and balancing all my lower selves and facing the negative currents of my mind. I felt like I was being tested by the Goddess Maat and I was seeing and actually feeling this woman named Nema dying in the hospital. I knew of her from other circles of friends and that she ran the Horus Maat Lodge but I didn’t know her personally. I personally felt her death and I found myself having a heart attack in the front yard and trying to convince myself to live. I felt like I was tested and due to another vision that I had with an ostrich feather, I feel like the current of Maat was passed on to me.

Anyways the point I was trying to make is that everyone witnessed my breakdown on social media and instead of trying to help they decided to play pranks on me through messenger, the astral and by posting what I perceived as fucked up memes about what I was seeing. I ended up deleting over 700 friends that I had made over the years because of it and my trust centers were destroyed. What good is being apart of an egregore when no one wants to actually contribute to helping brothers and sisters through it?

You can’t really help anyone through the process, it’s something that they have to go through on their own, but it would be nice to let people know what the ascension process can feel like for others in the future so they can kind of get a idea of what to expect in the process. I will try to help anyone who is going through something like I experienced.

I had got it in my head that I was going to be the scapegoat and martyr if that’s what saved the universe then I would be willing to do it. I even drew up papers for my son to go with my husband and my brother if I died. I was willing to be the goat cast into the desert. But then a voice inside told me about Ethan and Joe and how they saw me as everything to them and their world would be a dark place without me in it and it kept telling me as my heart stopped beating that “this is not how my story ends”.

The Living Dead

I still couldn’t go to sleep. I had convinced myself that if I went to sleep that I would die. I was told by a voice in my head that I was the living dead and a zombie and needed to get away from my family and that I was out of the family and cast out. I found myself on the road in the freezing cold with no shoes, coat or identification because Zombies don’t need that. I walked around for hours hearing the birds and cows talking to me in my head and making fun of me for having a pity party. But I realized there is no pity party and I do not want to live in the eternal pity party. That’s not life and neither is fear. I decided that I  won’t be that person or let someone else define who I am or my worth. I am unashamed.

I just wanted to heal the garden of eden. I didn’t want to be cast out to know that experience. I already lived through it. For all the prayers that I had said to save Him from being cast out, it seemed as if I was the one who was being cast out. How do you say you’re someone’s true flame and then throw them away because they are having a real reaction to something that happened to them and trying to share their experience with transparency? They shouldn’t have to worry about being cast out for trying to explain why they are freaking out but with Cassandra’s curse no one ever listens to her. Now is suppose to be the time to feel secure and to have finally found her correct place in the world.  Albedo is a phase of which the meaning was kept secret for many centuries. The meaning of the third alchemical phase, rubedo or redness, is even more secret and not easy to explain or understand.

Marriage of King and Queen

The union of the Red King with the White Queen, symbolic of the union of male-female, albedo-rubedo. In other words, when after having attained albedo (having discovered the divine light in oneself), the ‘spirit’ must be fixated (the descending eagle), resulting in rubedo. The two lions with one head signifies the unified nature that has been attained. Out of its mouth flows the water of life.

Rubedo is the continuation of albedo. That is why they are often seen connected to each other, like the White Queen and the Red King. Once the inner light has been discovered it must be made into the only reality in our consciousness. After having descended into the unconscious, into the darkness, into the underworld, we found the Light, we found the volatile Spirit. Now the volatile Spirit, or quicksilver, has to be fixated or coagulated. This means that our conscious, or attention, must completely penetrate our unconscious, or soul, or everything that lies hidden in ourselves. By doing this we fixate (that is bring it into the conscious) the volatile and make it durable. When everything in ourselves has been purified and the Light appears, we have to fixate this Light and make it durable so it remains always present.

White sulfur, attained during albedo, is also called: “the bodies composed of pure essence of the metals”. The metals are the contents of the soul, and now they have been reduced to their pure essence. Now that the soul has been penetrated with the pure light, the alchemist has to make it permanent. In the eastern philosophies rubedo corresponds with the formation of the ‘diamond body’, an term fitting for the pure and permanent Stone of the Philosophers.

The Resurrected Alchemist Stepping from the Shadow into the Light.

In Christianity, rubedo corresponds with the resurrection of Christ. Jesus ‘fixates’ the light garment of Christ. Jesus has left behind the old body and brought his inner divine self, the Christ body, into his consciousness, and made it his own reality. What Jesus did two thousand years ago, each of us can do the same, because we are all sons and daughters of the divine, and we all carry the divine essence, or the Christ body, within ourselves.

When rubedo has been realized the alchemist has accepted his spiritual inheritance. He has become what he always has been, but never knew he was. He has realized his divine essence while still in his physical body. It is the same as what the gnostici called pneuma, the divine spirit in each man that is concealed in the deep darkness of the world, but can be made conscious again. When rubedo has been manifested man is master over both the physical as the spiritual world. He has become a King master over himself.

When the unification of all energies of the four aspects of totality has been achieved, a new state of being arises that is no longer subject to changes. Chinese alchemy calls it the ‘diamond body’ which corresponds with the ‘corpus incorruptibile’ (untouchable body) of the European alchemy. It is also the same as the ‘corpus glorificationis’ (glorified body) of the Christian tradition.

In yoga traditions, rubedo corresponds with the unification of the spirit of man, called atman, with brahman. Atman is a part of brahman. Brahman is the soul of the All, it is the breath or the energy flowing through you and giving you life and consciousness. Atman is the individual self, brahman is the universal self.

“As the body used to be slow, rough, impure, dark and destructible because it lacked power and energy, so rebirth unifies it with the soul and spirit, vivified and volatile, light and penetrating, pure, refined and clear, overflowing with energy, indestructible and full of energy, and it is able to maintain this.” (Franciscus Kieser, +/_1600).

“Ascend above any height, descend further than any depth; receive all sensory impressions of the created: water, fire, dryness and wetness. Think that you are present everywhere: in the sea, on earth and in heaven; think that you were never born and that you are still in the embryonic state: young and old, dead and in the hereafter. Understand everything at the same time: time, place, things: quality and quantity.” (Corpus hermeticum, 1460).


I feel that all stars

shine in me.

The world is breaking as flood

through my life.

The flowers are opening in my body.

Youthfulness of earth and water

is burning like incense in my heart,

and the breath of all things

is playing as on a flute

through my thought

The Red Vajrayogini

I felt like the blood in my legs had frozen and my legs broke in two and I laid there on the side of the road until an ambulance picked me up. They waited until the next day to call my husband and by the time he got to the hospital I was having a seizure and convulsing and then I flat lined in front of him and then I fell asleep after they got me back. I spent the next 10 days in the land of the bardo and seeing myself as the red vajrayogini. Eating everyone, drinking their blood and purifying everyone in my path.

In the hospital I felt like I had to keep protecting my child and husband at home. I felt like I was the universal mind and diamond body and cast off everything that doesn’t serve me. I dealt with more monsters and fears. My husband didn’t give up on me and got me out of there and I won’t hurt him or throw that away.

I spent the last 15 months hiding out and healing. I don’t want to hurt anyone who loves me. Me doing this effects so many people and everyone who depends on me. It is a lot to process and consider. I am still here. I am not hiding anymore. I am not ready to just walk away from everything. I was chosen by the Gods. I petitioned the Gods. I love God and I already took my throne and did the work. But I need to feel like I am important, protected and sacred. I never meant to seem as if I was refusing or rebuking anything or any experience.

I am grateful for everything I experienced and of the person it made me into. But I will not just move over so easily when I was the one who fought death so many times to be here and actually have vision and the voice, and the Babalon experience happen to me. I am the girl child with silver eyes.

If you want to take my experience from me and pretend it doesn’t matter then go ahead. But you won’t ever find anyone else like me. Every man and woman is a star. They are unique and have purpose and everyone has a role to play and are apart of it, and a right to pursue it. I am your Moon and Venus, your portal, your mirror. I am in orbit with you. The reason I know I am Her is because she came to me and showed me who the creator truly is. More than Venus, More than a Scarlet Woman, More than Isis or Mary Magdalene. She was me and pregnant upon a cross, hanging with blood dripping from her legs, hands and feet bound, and suspended with a crown of twelve stars above her head and a scroll that said, “She bled for you, She bled” it never was Jesus upon the cross. Every mother bleeds and produces the milk of the spirit so that her child may live. Every father supplies the dna and information blocks which is the foundation of life and light.

Source for Alchemy Information and Quotes:  Nigredo Blackness


Gnostic Matriarchal Bishop, Templar Priestess, Energetic Therapist, Activist, and Interior Temple Decorator, Intentions Based Logo and Graphic Designer, Astrology and Tarot Consultant, Sacred Rites Facilitator and Practitioner.

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